confession Counselling Family Lifestyle Literature Love Relationships


Love is not supposed to be exhausting. it should breed calmness and peace.

A couple acquainted to me is engaged to be married in few months time but the lady seems unsure of certain happenings in the relationship and needs assurance that she is taking the right step. Even though I have shared my views   with her I realized that more highlights needs to be thrown in this line of discourse especially with the frequent fighting, stabbing and eventual murder issues that is evident in marriages today.

My case study, Mr. Alabi is billed to marry Miss Bunmi not real names, but here is the problem, Mr. Alabi has dished out the following rules for Miss Bunmi to obey if their marriage has to hold and Miss. Bunmi feeling uncomfortable with the rules wishes to seek the opinion of others before embarking on this journey called marriage. And these are the rules

  • Rule No 1 – she should not be found in the company of a man or seen to be making conversation with any man, be it colleagues, church members, neighbors, clients, acquaintances etc except relations that are known to him and no man is allowed to visit or call her on the phone failure to do this means termination of the relationship.
  • Rule No.2 – She should be at home utmost by 6pm everyday (not considering traffic) because a woman should be home on time to prepare meals for the family meaning that she cannot work late hours in her office and being in the finance sector this is so impossible and so if her office poses a problem to this effect she should resign before marriage
  • Rule No.3 – She should not speak in the presence of his friends anytime they are around or in an outing unless he has given her explicit permission to do so.
  • Rule No. 4 – Her salary should be given to him at the end of every month since he is the head of the family as he will be the one to decide how much she gets every month for her upkeeps and how much that might go to her family.
  • Rule No. 5 – She should submit her statement of account from the bank every month to him to make sure she is rendering the actual amount paid to her.

And a host of other rules that am not compelled to share here but because these ones are so ludicrous and laughable I had to mention them. Now my question is, is Miss Bunmi entering a new form of slavery in the name of marriage, it is obvious that Mr. Alabi is angry, has a lot of emotional baggage, insecure, clingy and manipulative. To sum it up he is overtly jealous and controlling which makes the relationship toxic and a time bomb waiting to happen. Clearly the relationship has trust/insecurity issues which are the reasons why you see couples stabbing and killing themselves so easily these days.

My submission is that this relationship should never happen or get to the stage of marriage.  Bunmi should take a walk before it is too late and avoid imprisoning herself in a toxic marriage otherwise she will leave all her marital life depressed and unfulfilled and Mr Alabi should work on his emotional baggage and insecurities before considering a relationship. Being jealous once in a while is normal in a relationship but being overtly jealous and suspicious should be a thing of worry and concern. If you don’t trust Bunmi don’t marry her, if she makes you insecure walk away or deal with the issue before entering the institution of marriage.

This issue is not gender based at all just because my case study is a man does not mean that it is gender bound. In recent times we have more cases of women who are obsessed, clingy, manipulative, emotionally and psychologically debased, and angry with a lot of emotional baggage they all come in different gender but their traits are that they are suspicious and overtly jealous and can go to any length. Do they see this as abnormal hell NO, in fact they feel they are protecting what is theirs in the name of love.  Please let’s all examine ourselves thoroughly whether we fall into this category. Love is not supposed to be exhausting. it should breed calmness and peace. What is your take on this?

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  • Thanks for sharing
    Love should indeed breed calmness and peace and not suffocation which will eventually lead to death
    The rate of spouses killing themselves these days is alarming But you know the stupid thingy, our girls are too desperate even when it’s glaring that the guy is a mofo. May God help us woman

  • Hmmm! this is a serious gun powder waiting to explode-outlined rules to suffocate a full blown adult before his/her time. This story shows a man that has been greatly shattered and battered emotionally. He truly needs to slow down, remove the garment of that pain and bitterness and consciously restructure himself back to an atmosphere of peace with the help of truthful and transparent relationship experts before involving himself in any other relationship. He really needs help, he may not understand what he is doing, he just wants to retaliate which will end him up in more frustration and sadness.
    There are things any adult that wishes to go into marriage should have in mind to enable him or her create a joyful atmosphere around himself/herself at all times. Note:
    i. You are an imperfect person reaching out to settle with another imperfect person-there must be offenses so expect them and be willing to resolve them with maturity and erase them out of your mind after resolution.
    ii. Deal with your partner as a new individual, do not judge him or her by the behaviours of your past girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse or one unfounded story you had from a gathering or your ancestors; always confirm everything you hear or suspect about him/her to ensure it is true before you react.
    iii. Have an open heart always and endeavour to study that person by yourself in order to build trust- do not rely on relatives, friends, pastors to tell you who your partner is, find out by yourself and build a wall of protection around him/her. THIRD PARTIES ARE ALWAYS SMALL FOXES THAT DESTROY THE VINE.
    iv. Do not compare him/her with anyone out there, be patient to teach him/her the things you know which you feel he/she does not know in love and respect without abusing or talking down on his/her ego. Remember that his/her background is different from yours.
    v. See him/her as your best friend not as your house help; treat him/her the same way you would want him/her to treat you.
    This is my little suggestion on this…